The previous chapter briefly outlined my life-story. Most of the early events described were reconstructed from memory, and from what my mother told me, after the fact. In this chapter and those that follow, there are diary extracts (in blue italic) in which I recorded my life and my thinking as events actually unfolded. I have added comments (in plain text) from my present perspective.
The first date in my diary is 1/21/1946--the anniversary of Lenin's death. I was 15 years old. It is my poem, written in Russian, commemorating Lenin, and mentioning his great successor, Stalin.
Sevodnia umier Lenin / Lenin died today Tak nazyvalas w gazette statija / Was the newspaper headline Molcha chital eyo Stalin / Read by Stalin Wspominaja umershevo vozhdia / Remembering our dead leader No Lenin nie umer. Niet / But Lenin did not die, On zhiviot w kazhdom iz nas / He lives in each of us, Govoril on sam siebie / He said to himself A sliozy sami tiekli iz glaz / With tears in his eyes.
1945, Polish orphanage near Moscow. Ludwik is the third from the right.
1946, Yugoslavia, on the way to the beach.
The next entry, dated 8/1/1946, describes our departure from Poland to a summer camp in Yugoslavia. It was a great trip. We spent a month on the Adriatic island of Hvar. I was able to communicate with locals by imitating their accent but using either Polish or Russian words. My day-by-day descriptions of the trip are interesting, but not worth recording here. Portraits of Stalin and Tito were everywhere; this was one year before the break between Yugoslavia and the USSR.
An entry dated 12/25/1947 shows a drawing of a piston engine in which fuel consists of atomic bombs. The title of the essay is non-military applications of U-235. No wonder I became a nuclear physicist.
The print version of my book also contains a longer, seven-verse poem I wrote in 1948 (the last year of high school). It shows how enthusiastic I was about building communism in Poland. Below are two representative verses (translated word for word).
/ There will be no hungry children / Shivering on winter days. / All will go to school / In reality, not in dreams.This poem earned me first prize in a competitiona book.
[...] One should fight melancholic feelings. The best approach is to identify their causes and to stay away from them. Novels, such as Far from Moscow, help me in this. [...]
Our victory in Korea is a triumph of Marxism. Super-weapons will not help capitalists. The outcome of the war is predetermined by historical necessity. The party is ingenious. It will organize International Brigades, if necessary. I would sign up. For the time being my place is here, to study engineering. [...]
Today J said that he will support me if I apply for party candidateship. Why should I become a party member? I see many non-communist things in myself. Let me first see how I do in ZMP [Polish communist youth organization] . [...] Today mother said she is sorry that we did not emigrate [to Israel] , like Eva [her sister-in-law.] How can she be sorry? Others are jealous of our situation; we are free to build socialism. Mother is not able to feel the spirit of new times. I understand her (she suffered so much); but I was surprised. I cannot imagine myself in Israel, or in the USA; I am Polish and my place is in Poland. [...] There is nothing Jewish in me; I have not been exposed to Jewish culture, or to Jewish language, as my mother was.
Why wasn't I responsive to the idea of emigration? Primitive anti-semitism was well known to me. In Dedenievo Russian boys often beat me because I was a Jew. The same thing happened in the Polish orphanage. Polish boys claimed I was responsible for the suffering imposed on them and their families in 1939--when Eastern Poland was occupied by Russians. Maybe I believed that anti-semitism belonged to the past, that it was actually disappearing from our classless society. It is difficult for me to answer this question today.
Most entries are about studying and my relations with Anya, my first sweetheart. I was not a good student during the first two years at the College of Telecommunication of Warsaw Polytechnic. Much of the text describes reflections about learning and plans to make it more efficient. Big chunks are devoted to Anya; we took the same courses and often studied together. Our relations, as I see now, were much more complex than I realized at the time. My constant drive toward analysis of everything--how naive it often was--is remarkable. I was very critical toward myself, and toward others.
My goals were well defined. All details are very interesting to me now; but they are not worth sharing with others. According to T, during a revolution or war those who are not with us are against us. I think that it was Lenin who said so--to justify terror, immediately after the revolution. Or maybe it was Stalin, to justify liquidation of kulaks as a class. I was a real communist in those days; I believed that brutality and terror toward class enemies were justified. What is our societys long-term goal? It is to build communism in the entire world. And what should be the goal of each individual today? It is to build socialism. All individual efforts should be channeled toward this goal. I want to become an engineer and serve society. [...]
[At our meeting a speaker said] the emphasis should be on studying technical subjects. He also said that children of workers and poor peasants should be promoted. I agree; most of them will naturally support building of socialism. They will not be interested in turning back the clock of history. [...] My mother is at a union conference; she is disappointed in me. She wanted me to take part in a Jewish meeting but I was not interested. Who am I, a Jew or a Pole? I should devote some time to study the question of nationality. Then I will decide about my attitude to the Jewish question. [. . .]
[Referring to poor performance by a teaching assistant, I wrote:] Two hours of the 6-year plan passed but we learned nothing. K said that people unable to be productive become teachers. I have to think about this. Yes, studying is our participation in the 6-year plan. [ ] Lenin died 27 years ago. One minute of silence, at our ZMP [youth organization] meeting, commemorated that day. Then M presented a review of our activities; it led to an interesting discussion. Our main shortcomings are absence of planning, poor organizational effectiveness, and insufficient political education activity. Our group will become a model, as far as political education is concerned. [...]
I finished reading a novel [The Stars Look Down by A.J. Cronin]. It is a good book, picturing capitalist reality. It shows how elections are won in England. Joe, one of the contemporary western leaders, was a bad guy. David was a good guy. But intentions are not enough; even looking for support of miners is not sufficient to destroy bad reality. David needed party leadership; the party would have helped him to be effective working with miners. [...] Last night I started reading About understandability. A person who wants to be a good engineer or physicist must know Marxist philosophy. [ ]
Writing comments for oneself is useful. Marx also had some kind of a diary. Both Marx and Lenin wrote summaries of books they were studying. Stalin examines about 500 pages of text daily. My learning is mostly superficial; it must be supplemented later by more penetrating studies. I am only 20 now. First I will learn more mathematics, then I will learn English. One day quantity of knowledge will be transformed into quality. [...]
I will have to choose a specialty soon. It will probably be electromedicine. Professor Pawlowski, impressed me. [ ] J has a strange attitude toward political organization work. [ ] Why doesnt he understand that we also have one common place, especially communists. We must be ready to be where we are needed. Today it is a laboratory, tomorrow a battlefield, and a day later it can be a collective farm. [...]
Descriptions of several ZMP group meetings, in 1951, at Polytechnic, show that problems piled up, and that I was not a very effective group secretary. A lot of initiative came from F, who was a little older than most of us.
I also read descriptions of my breaking up with Anya, two years after we fell in love. The cause was religion. I knew that Anya was attending church but I expected this to change; she was also a ZMP member. But she said the Catholic church would always be important to her, and that her children would be baptized. Another entry describes how I met Ika and how we became very close. Ika was very different from Anya; she was a dedicated communist. Anya and I continued studying at the same college at the Polytechnic Institute, but in different departments. She became a film sound engineer in Warsaw and got married. Is she still alive? If so she would also be 78. In fact, I would very much like to meet her and her family.
A tractor took us to PGR [a state agricultural farm] yesterday. It was a full day of work. Things are very neglected here; weeds are all over, as if they were planted. There is a shortage of manpower--only 24 people for 600 hectares of land and 1000 hectares of pasture. Workers complain. They were brought here under false pretenses; they were promised private ownership, not slavery. In some places one can still see traces of a highly organized German farm [this region was part of Germany before WWII]. A young ZMP member, who was sent here after graduating from an agricultural school, told me that productivity would improve if German farms were given to individual families. Would this really be the best solution? I do not know much about agriculture. [...]
I suggested that Dorothy should be elected to represent us, as the electromedical section. She is a very smart girl but she is not in ZMP, and she is religious. I think that Dorothy will be happy to represent us. What does she think about our political activities? She probably approves of our battle against cheating, our goal-oriented organizational consistency, our emphasis on being good students, etc.
I heard her parents complaining about todays reality; she is probably constantly exposed to reactionary points of view. How does she respond? She is too shy to talk about this. But I saw how she discussed effective learning with the laboratory group colleagues. She does not want to be an outsider and we must take advantage of this. We should help her become more active. Dorothy would probably be happy to discuss the role of individuals in society, goals of life, etc. What will E and L say when I suggest it to them? [...]
Becoming a candidate for party membership I am starting a new period in my life. I will be fighting all that slows our progress. Demanding more from myself, paying attention to my own shortcomings will help me fight them in other people. I will never step down from this path. Comrade Stalin would certainly approve. He was probably doing the same, but with more success, in his formative years. [...] I am reading Stalins Introduction to Leninism. Stalin is our dear teacher and leader. To me this is not an empty slogan. He is a goal-oriented Bolshevik in everything. But he does not repeat what the goal is; it becomes obvious to those who read carefully. [...]
Ika is very knowledgeable. Her own discipline is Polonistics but she is a Marxism-Leninism assistant in the Pedagogical School. She is on the Warsaw ZMP committee; she knows what a cardiogram is, or how fog develops. I was impressed with how much she knows about electricity and biology. After the theater I walked her home, but I did not kiss her. Why am I shy again? I was not shy with her in the summer. She suggested that we see a Moliere play on Thursday. Thats great; I hope this will not interfere with my studies, and with my ZMP work. What does she think about me? How should I behave with respect to her? One thing is clear; Anya should not know about Ika, till she also finds a boyfriend. I do not want to hurt her. [...]
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Chapter 01 Brief Summary click
Chapter 02 Extracts From My First Notebook click
Chapter 03 Anya, Ika and Other Problems click
Chapter 04 Death of Our Leader click
Chapter 05 Last Years at Polytechnic click
Chapter 06 Beria was the Villain click
Chapter 07 Aftermaths of the 20th Congress click
Chapter 08 Warm Welcome in France click
Chapter 09 Communists Killing Communists Again click
Chapter 10 Fourth Year in Paris click
Chapter 11 Climbing Toward the Doctorate click
Chapter 12 The End of the Tunnel is Not Far click
Chapter 13 Back to Poland With the Doctorate click
Chapter 14 Missing Diaries click
Chapter 15 Year of Blessings click
Chapter 16 Appendix for questions and Comments click